A.W.A.L.

I've been A.W.A.L. in the blogging forum for the last many months.

Though I have continued my writings it's all been very personal and left unpublished.

My Dad's illness and passing hit me very hard.  He suffered so much, especially the last months of his life.  Since he had skin cancer, his illness was very horrific and graphic as well.  Something that had to be unnerving to him.  My heart breaks that he suffered so!  I am so grateful for the peace and comfort God brought to Daddy in his final days.  I am thankful for the help that God sent - the doors that God opened for Dad's care - and how sweet and peaceful Dad's passing was.  There is no doubt God was good to my Daddy - and to us.

Even so, it's taken me quite a bit of time to work through my Father's passing.  I have only begun to feel 'normal' again.  It seems so long since I've experienced normal.  Yet, the smallest things can still trigger a flood of grief and emotion that overwhelm. But I held it together when my Dad needed me most and gotten through the worst with God's help!    

It's been difficult to get closure as Dad left a lot of things undone.  Again, being the oldest, a lot of the responsibility and pressure of Dad's affairs has fallen upon me.  Dad didn't mean to leave all of this on his family.  Though he took care of some things, his condition prevented him from taking care of things like he would have wanted. 

Because of the circumstances of Dad's illness and passing, I am having difficulty finding closure. For the months since Dad's passing, I've simply been in survival mode.  Again, God has been very good - giving me the strength to somehow make it through each day.  But there have been many days that it took my best just to get out of bed.  In these past months, it takes all I could do to make it through the work week.  And when the weekends roll around, I simply have collapsed from the pressure of it all.  Sometimes I am so exhausted that I can hardly move.  I must confess, I've even struggled with depression during this time.   

However, I feel that I have finally turned a corner.  Over the Thanksgiving break, we were able to finally finish cleaning out Dad's place. Cleaning his home helped me gain some closure.  I spent a little time in Dad's house after I was done, thinking of the last moments he and I shared in his home. Emotions swelled with sweet memories of last conversations - I recalled one our last phone conversations as he joyfully recounted his memories of me as a baby and his love for the "pretty little brown eyed baby girl who stole his heart the day she was born."  He sounded so happy in that conversation - the happiest he had sounded in many years.  It is a conversation I will cherish forever.     

I am by no means 'over' losing Dad.  I never will be.  But I feel I'm taking the first steps to healing.  God has been with me throughout.  And to be quite transparent here, though my faith and love for God has remained, I've not had a lot of  'umph' in my spiritual walk since Dad's passing.  But God understands the state of my heart.  He understand that there are times that I need 'space' to process the grief.  He knows that I will need time to heal.  He understands that there is more to my relationship with Him than me just going through a daily Christian to-do list.  He has been and continues to be so patient with me through it all.  God has been so good.

And most importantly, God understands why I've been A.W.A.L.

In His Love, Cathy