Are You Lying to Your Kids?

Pinocchio Parenting
Written by Dr. Chuck Borsellin
This article is courtesy of Living with Teenagers. (Lifeway)

“Liar, liar, parents on fire!” That’s what 15-year-old Dillon shouted to his parents right after they told him another one.

Unfortunately, he’d heard most of them before:• Your fish went to live with his friends in the ocean.• If you make that face again, your face will freeze that way.• It doesn’t matter whether you win or lose; it’s how you play the game.• God helps those who help themselves.And the one we’ve all told our kids: When I was your age, I walked to school… in the snow… without shoes…uphill…both ways.

Really?The truth is…everybody lies. Toddlers, teens, and adults. Deny it, and you’re probably lying. Small lies are called “fibs.” Big lies are called “whoppers.” Necessary lies are called “white.”
Whatever the case, we live in a culture where lying is common. The same way that fish live in a world that’s wet, we live in a world that leans toward dishonesty. According to the book The Day America Told the Truth, 91 percent of Americans admitted to lying routinely. On average, we lie about twice a day—more often than most of us brush our teeth.

Even more unfortunate is the way our culture has slipped into our homes. Despite our verbal commitments to truth as outlined in the Bible, even Christian parents can slip into a world of “almost truths.” When backed against the wall, lies and clichés just slide off our tongues like a politician before Election Day.

Why We LieIn the minds of many, lying has become as American as apple pie. We lie to protect ourselves; we lie to promote ourselves. We lie to elevate ourselves; we lie to excuse ourselves. We’ve become a nation of “Pinocchio Parents.”
Soon after we learned how to walk, we learned how to lie (Mommy, I didn’t do it!). Later we learn money lies (The check’s in the mail.), math lies (I just turned 39.), medical lies (The doctor will call you right back.), work lies (I can’t come in to work today; I’m sick.) and necessary lies (Fat? No, you look great in that outfit.).

While every lie has a consequence, the most damaging lies are the ones we tell our kids. Why? Because they erode our parental credibility and distort our children’s sense of reality.
As a psychologist, I’ve seen hundreds of kids in therapy, and I’ve come to an interesting conclusion. While unhealthy behaviors may prompt a trip to my office, you can’t ignore the unhealthy beliefs that lay behind those behaviors. If you can change the beliefs, you’ve got a good chance of changing the behaviors.

I’ll admit that our purposes in not sharing nothing but the truth with our kids may be noble, but that also doesn’t make it right. In my experience, I’ve discovered that we lie to our kids for three main reasons:• To help them make sense out of their circumstances: “That’s OK honey; he wasn’t good for you anyway.”• To bring assurance to their anxieties: “Looks don’t matter, it’s what’s inside that counts.”• To inspire them to reach beyond their limits: “If you can dream it, you can do it.”You don’t have to dig very deeply to identify a basic problem, though. These statements sound good, but none of them are true!

Living By The LieOf course, these are just a sampling of the lies we tell our kids. Let’s take a closer look at three examples and why parents need to do all they can to avoid them:
Lie #1: You can be anything you want to be. Really? It’s fashionable, but is it factual? Of course not. It’s a lie based on a belief that desires turn dreams into reality. They don’t. Desires may direct choices; training and hard work may develop the mind; and motivation may fuel your fire. Ultimately, though, the difference between average and awesome is ability.

God created each of us unique. Could Beethoven carve a statue like Michelangelo? Could Mozart draw like Picasso. Could Picasso become an accountant? The numbers just wouldn’t line up. Literally.

As parents, our job is to help our kids discover and then develop the unique gifts that God has invested in them. Kids cannot be anything they want to be, but they can ask God what plans and purposes He created them to fulfill (Jer. 29:11).After that, it’s easy. Teach them to do the most with what they’ve got.

Lie #2: It doesn’t matter whether you win or lose; its how you play the game.Then why does everybody keep score?
The NBA’s Dallas Mavericks just spent millions of dollars for an 8-sided, 360-degree, electronic scoreboard. Why? Because in the NBA, they keep score. Do the Mavericks have some of the nicest guys in the NBA on their team? Yes. Do they work as hard on ball handling and shooting? Yes. Does the team’s coach teach his players to play within the rules of the NBA? Of Course. Like it or not, the score matters.

I’m not saying that character doesn’t count. It does. If I could only pick one, I’d choose character over competence any day. But we live in a world where both are important, and parents miss the mark if they teach their kids that score doesn’t matter.

The Apostle Paul put it this way: “Do you not know that the runners in a stadium all race, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win” (1 Cor. 9:24). As a parent, teach your kids to keep one eye on their character, one eye on their competence… and one eye on the scoreboard.

Lie #3. Looks don’t matter because it’s what’s on the inside that counts.The Bible reminds us that God focuses on the heart (1 Sam. 16:7), but all the research I’ve seen lately demonstrates that His highest creations are not following His example.

Numerous studies have concluded that what’s on the outside conquers what’s on the inside. In comparison to those not so physically blessed, attractive people are perceived as more competent, confident, and sociable.

At school, teachers demonstrate a “halo effect” toward the bronzed and the beautiful. In the workplace, attractive candidates are more likely to be hired, promoted, and rewarded. My message to parents? Once again, what’s on the inside does matter, but telling kids that appearance is irrelevant is simply not true.

Help your teen discover a proper balance between looking good and obsessing over looks. Work with them to make their appearance count, but not at any cost.

The truth is, none of us are perfect when it comes to being less than honest with our kids. I’ve been a Pinocchio Parent just like you. I am walking where you walk, but I also have committed myself to telling nothing but the truth—so help me God.
Dr. Chuck Borsellino is a licensed clinical psychologist and ordained minister. He also serves as executive producer and co-host (with his wife, Jenni) of the daily television show, At Home—Live!

In His Love, Cathy