You made all the delicate inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother's womb.
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex.
Your workmanship is marvelous, how well I know it.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was borm.
Every day of my life was recorded in Your book.
Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.
Psalm 139: 13-16
I don't know how many times I've read this passage throughout my life. However, as I read through this passage last night, I broke down in tears. I realized for the first time, despite all the times I've heard this before, that I was fearfully and wonderfully made - health problems, cancer, migraines and all! I was wonderfully made.
You see, in the late spring of 1999 I was diagnosed with cancer. I had struggled with some strange symptoms for years, but it all culminated in the Spring of 1999. I couldn't focus or concentrate. I was exhausted and fatigued all of the time. I couldn't sleep. Random thoughts zig-zagged through my head. Clumps of my hair was coming out. I lost 8 pounds in two weeks time - without trying! Those of you who know me understand that I'm already small and 8 pounds was a lot for me to lose. So, I went to see my general practitioner. As I described the symptoms, I summed it up with one statement. "I feel like I'm going crazy!" I told him. He just grinned and replied, "You are crazy!" But then, as he was checking my neck, his lighthearded expression changed to one of concern. "It may be nothing, but you have a nodule on your thyroid. I'm going to set up a referral to an endocrinologist and run some tests."
Within a week's time, I went for a scan on my neck. The scan confirmed what my doctor had already found. I did have nodule on my thyroid. So, I set up an appointment with an endocrinologist. I went to my first appointment not really knowing what to expect. He explained that I had a growth on my thyroid gland, but there was no need to worry. Only 5% of such growths were malignant. My mind raced, "Malignant, you mean as in cancer?" I thought. WHOA! CANCER??? That wasn't in the deal! I had to return the following week for him to perform a five needle biopsy. Then we waited for the results. Within a couple of days, the nurse called to say that test results were in and the doctor wanted to see my husband and I. I knew at this point the news wasn't good.
Scott and I went to the appointment. I was very anxious about the results. The doctor explained that indeed my nodule was malignant. What's more, I was the lucky 1% of the 5% of thyroid cancer patients that had this type of cancer. My thyroid would have to be completely removed and they would have to check my lymph nodes to ensure it had not spread. I was numb. It was like I was in a bad dream. Nothing could have prepared me for what the doctor told me that day. The good news? The doctor said I had the best kind of cancer! Best kind of cancer? No cancer is good in my eyes! Now our thyroid is one of the glands that helps to regulate our body - temperature, metabolism, and heart rate, just to name a few. As a result of my cancer, I am thyroidless and have to take a synthetic hormone replacement - which has it's own issues but which I'm more than happy to deal with.
I was 32 years old when I was diagnosed with cancer. Our children were ages 10, 7, and 2 (I think.) I just couldn't believe what was happening. My husband and children needed me! They needed me at my best, too! What was God doing?
I remember the weeks I awaited my surgery. I distinctly remember coming home from work everyday and just floating in the pool by myself. I'd look up at the sky and wonder what was going to happen. What would happen to my children? What would my life be like after the surgery? How long would I live? Would the cancer ever come back? What if this cancer was only the tip of the iceburg? What if I developed another type of cancer from the treatment I would have to go through? I felt as though my life was in limbo. I can't say that I was depressed, but I felt as if the huge cloud of uncertainty had settled over my life. Then came the day of the surgery. Would it work? Would they be able to get it all? Had it spread into my lymph nodes? It didn't help that I saw a documentary about a little boy who died from thyroid cancer. It had spread to his heart. Would that be me?
My husband, parents, in-laws, and aunts were with me the day of the surgery. I remember checking into the oncology ward. I looked at the other patients and thought, "This isn't real! This isn't who I am supposed to be!" As we waited to be checked in, an elderly lady asked my mother-in-law what kind of cancer did she have. UGGGHHH!!! Even the other patients didn't think I was a cancer patient! I just wanted to run out of that room after this. But I couldn't run away. I had cancer and that was that!
My surgery went very well. The cancer had not spread. It was strictly isolated to my thyroid. Praise God! I went back two months after the surgery for radioactive iodine treatment. I had to be hospitalized and quarantined during the treatment because of the radioative levels I would emit. I was one hot mama! The day I was admitted for treatment was Scott's first day teaching at Pace High. I knew that it killed him not to be with me, but he couldn't be in the room with me anyway:-) Nowadays, I just struggle with health issues related to balancing my medication. Yes, there are side effects but I am blessed to be healed. Despite my complete healing, there is always that fear that the cancer will return. We had a scare a few years ago in which my bloodwork indicated such. However, the body scan showed no signs of the cancer. Hallelujah!
I've always been one whose health has not always been the best. I've had a total of 8 surgeries for various things. I've had my gallbladder removed, appendix removed, & thyroid removed. I've had a hysterectomy, exploratory surgery, and a cyst taken out of my hand. My immune system is weaker and I catch every virus that makes it's debut in my classroom. I struggle with migraines and the side effects of living on sythroid. Scott said if I have another surgery that he'll have to hire a taxidermist to stuff me. He said I'm half the woman he married. I told him that's okay, he's twice the man I married!
I've had people in my life tell me to slow down, to rest up so that I can go to work and take care of my family. I've had family members tell me that it was ok if I missed church and didn't serve because of my health. God would understand. Despite this, God put a burning desire in my heart to serve Him to the best of my abilities. Despite my health, I felt I could give Him what I have. But I have wondered why my body was so unhealthy. Why it seemed to be my own worst enemy! Why did He make me this way? He answered that last night when I read Psalm 139. Then He also reminded me of this verse:
My health may fail
and my Spirit may grown weak
but God remains the strength of my heart;
He is mine forever!
Psalm 73:26
I am fearfully and wonderfully made! My weakness is HIS GLORY! Thank you God for making me just like I am according to YOUR PERFECTION! You knitted me together with Your own hands! You made me wonderfully complex. Thank You, LORD!
Friends, I know that there are others who are struggling with greater health issues than what I have. My health problems are nothing when compared to what others are experiencing. My heart and prayers are for you! For those who are going through a health crisis, I want to encourage you in that YOU are wonderfully made as well. Your body is HIS WORKMANSHIP! You are HIS wonderfully complex work. He loves you so very much! Trust in Him and HIS perfect will! YOU are HIS PRECIOUS (Psalm 139:17)
In His Love, Cathy